Not A Tragic Hero
by Redzy
Summary: I am not a tragic hero. I don’t want to recognize my tragic flaw too late. I don’t want to be the good man who goes bad.


Not a Tragic Hero

Summary: I am not a tragic hero. I don't want to recognize my tragic flaw too late. I don't want to be the good man who goes bad.

Author's Note: I know I know, I should be working on my other stories, but I have writer's block and I had to get this little story out! This is just Nathan coping with losing his dream, and realizing his dream was in front of him the entire time. These past few episodes have really been great with him and Jamie and Haley acting strong and being a family. I wish here were more Naley scenes though- we haven't had any for the past tow weeks, hopefully in the finale we will get a good dose of Naley loving!

Enjoy! Read and Review Please!

"_Never let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you will become."_

_- Johnny Magana _

It's hard losing you dream.

You feel like… like that you have nothing left to lose.

But I did. I almost lost my family.

This is really hard to talk about. Basketball. It just has always been. I guess on some level I took it for granted. I have had it forever. Even when Dan was shoving it down my throat, it gave me a sense of peace, calmness. When I stepped out on that court on game night, no one in the world could touch me. Basketball made me feel worth it. Something I was good at. I have never had something make me feel that way before. Except Haley. Haley made me feel worth it.

"_Don't say I never gave you anything." _

I said that to her, but little does she know Haley gave me the greatest give of all: Herself.

What the worst part of losing basketball was that I lost that feeling of accomplishment. That feeling that was good enough. Good enough for her. But I never was. I never will be.

It kills me to think I was so close to losing her and Jamie too. That I took that risk with them. They are just to valuable. They are the oxygen use to breath everyday. I was stupid to think that they would always be there. That I was worth waiting for, I realized they should have left me. They are too good for me. I have pains in my chest when I think about it.

When that Psycho nanny took him from us, I felt like it was all happening again. That I was losing my dream all over again. That feeling of fear, sorrow, regret, anger, and love all balled up into one emotion, you can not control what it does to you.

When he was gone, I blamed myself. I blamed myself for not telling Haley what Carrie was doing. I blamed myself for not watching him. I blamed myself for everything. So did Haley.

I saw it in her eyes when she looked at me. Those eyes that used to hold love for me, now held contempt and regret. I was that regret.

"_I want a divorce." _

I hear those words in my nightmares every night before I lay down to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well.

The last thing I want is to be a regret for Haley. It was me who held her back from her dreams. It was me who was always a dick to her when I was mad, when I lost my dream. It was always about me. Well, not anymore.

Haley and Jamie are the most important things in the world to me. My first dream may be gone, but I still have a purpose to my life. My purpose it to help them with their dreams. Because if they get everything they want in the world, I will be happy. My life will be complete.

I am done being a selfish boy who pouts when he doesn't get what he wants. I want to do right by my family. I want them to love me. If someone told me when I started high school that by the time I graduated , I would have a wife and a baby son, I would have laugh so hard I would have cried.

Now I just cry thinking that I almost lost it. That I wouldn't have it.

I had my chance, and I was well on my way to achieving everything I hoped for. But I blew it by being a selfish child. Haley once told me that I was not invincible. She was right.

Haley was always the one who brought me back down to earth.

The more that I think about this the more I want to focus on them. I don't want to end up like Dan, only living in the past and living selfishly. I don't want my family to speak my name in angry voices and hushed tones. I want them to remember me as a good father, a good husband, and most of all, a good man.

I am not a tragic hero. I don't want to recognize my tragic flaw too late. I don't want to be the good man who goes bad. I want to be the good man period.

I don't want what I can't have. I only want what I already do have,

Haley once told me that it was enough to just be a good husband and father, even if that was all I ever did. So that is what I am going to do.

That is my new dream.

"_If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labor. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions." - Og Mandino _


End file.
